my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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