No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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