I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
