My girlfriend figured out who you are.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
