What a fucking waste of an outfit
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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