just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You are a genius and a whore.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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