speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
