If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
