I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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