see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
