Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
