I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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