I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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