So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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