Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
