Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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