i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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