Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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