I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
