I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize