bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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