bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
