just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
