This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
