you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
