why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
