my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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