I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
