Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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