Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also, beer. Big fan.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
