Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
