I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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