Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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