____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
