Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
