Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
