At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
