between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize