We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
