My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
