is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Someone came in the potted fern
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
