do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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