just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
