Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
