girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
