just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize