my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
