I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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