You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize