I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
