I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My bed smells like the plague
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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