I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
