I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
