Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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