Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
