I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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