Three words: puerto rican gang bang
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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