Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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