Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
