Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
