my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
