so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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