i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
FUCK WHALES
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
