Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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