i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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